Good or Evil

The difference between good and evil at the moment. Is doing what i want and doing what is right. I am finally feeling like things are changing. I feel like I am losing weight and gaining more energy then before. I have finally stopped bleeding. I want to say that i have been doing alot of research on Mirena and there are alot of class action lawsuits that are being filed. I think and 90% of the reason these people are filing  are because of the same symptoms that I experienced. Even thought i am not trying to get any money i feel like these people should be held accountable for there actions. 

Also I went to court monday because my old landlord was trying to sue me. After i got an attorny i found out that he actually broke the law. :) When we went to court he tried to sweet talk me into dropping my counter suit and just let him keep the deposit. lol ummm no!  you broke into my house and stole my shit. And then u tried to take me to court and sue me more two grand. I would have to say ummm no im sorry buster but u broke the law! Time for you to also be held responceable for your actions. well its time for a change. I am finally on top... LOL where i like it ; ) 

Ok its bedtime... thanks for letting me ramble :) Love ya

To my darling daughter

On March 26 it was my older sister's (Heather) birthday. I had fun teasing her that it was her birthday. But something has really been bothering me. I dont feel like i can talk to anyone about it so maybe i can share it with you. It kinda has a back story.

When i was a year old my mother remarried. Shortly after my birth father signed away his rights for me and my older sister. In exchange he received money. My mothers husband then adopted me and my sister ,and from that point further we only knew that he was our dad. Later on we found out the truth. I also found out at that time that my biological father used to beat my mother and he molested my older sister. It has always bothered me that he didnt want me and that he just gave me away. I did learn that he had a drug problem and that i was alot better off with out him.

Back to my original reason for righting this blog tonight. I am upset because I went back and read on my sisters wall that my biological father (Steve) wrote on my sisters wall... " To my darling daughter on her birthday, I love you with all of my heart! I hope you have a wonderful birthday." A few thing about this bothered me!!! A. If you love her so much why id you 1. molest her 2. sell her  3. stay out of her life for so long. and B. Why would she be friend and have anything to do with some one who did all these horrible things to her... and me!!!  Why does this bother me????? Why doesnt it hurt her the way it hurts me? ARG!!!
I had so many moments in my life when i could have really used a dad!!! One who always loved me. I wanted a dad who, when i went up to accept a cheerleading award would be cheering me on!! I wanted a dad to be proud of me for graduating from high school, from graduating basic training... to be there when i got married!! I was all alone. I had nobody!! He has hurt me more than anyone will ever know!! and then i see he writes on her wall "To my darling daughter" as if we lived a cookie cutter life....i lived a fucked up life and 99% of it i blame on him!! i blame on my mom!! wtf!! Its not like i want him to contact me! Because i dont I HATE HIM!! But i dont want him talking to her. I mean where the hell was he the last 26 birthdays she had? I could never forgive him!! Not for any of it....
Time to go to bed.....that was alot to talk about...its hard to even think about it

Thank you

 I want to thank all of the people who have stopped by. I just noticed after my pitty party freakn blog that i had 55 page views!!! Really??? Is that the love that i feel i so desperately need??? I love that you are all reading this it really does make me feel better... Especially since i only told one person about this blog. And i doubt he had checked it 55 times! So maybe next time before i have a pitty party i should think about how there are people who care. I want to thank you all so much!! This means alot to me!!

~~~~~* FRIEND OF THE DAY*~~~~~~

I have a friend who is kind and soft spoken. She looks like angel. She is the most kind individual i have ever met in my life. She looks almost like a porcelain doll... her father just past away and even at the age of 16 she has strength that i couldn't even find. She wrapped her arms around me and comforted me when it was her father that died. How is this possible. She looked at me and told me that he was just in heaven preparing a place for all of us. That there is no reason to cry or to be upset. To be excited for the one day that we will see him again. The most important place. She amazing!! and we can all learn from her. I strive to be more like her. What an amazing friend I have in Mariah!

Untitled

Yes i purposely named this blog untitled... i dont know how to feel or what to name this. Let me do the mirena part first...well let start off with the usually if you are a guy then you really dont want to read this part. Ok here it goes... I have had alot of energy.. but it is starting to slow down. I think it may have to do something with alot of bleeding. maybe i might be anemic.... i think i need to be tested. Hopefully my insurance will kick in soon.

Here is the other part... you ever look at your self in the mirror and think what is it that is missing??? I feel this big empty spot in my heart. I feel that there is something missing. My heart is acheing for something more...i miss that deeply in love feeling...no i have that feeling i take it back... i miss that feeling like someone feels equally the same about me. Maybe its there and i dont see it and he feels the same way but it doesnt seem like it. I mean its not the fact that we dont see each other.. its not even that...i feel like i need that explosion of feelings!! I need to say to my self damn i feel happy.... when is that going to happen? It was there before!!! I want it back!! Dont i deserve it??? I know i do!! I guess id rather be numb on Mirena then feel a continued sense of loss... loss of love. Maybe that is why God made me get is out....so i can deal with this...with feelings like real people....the more i think about it mirena is more of a drug then i knew.... i feel like an addict coming off a narcotic. HEY MAKERS OF MIRENA AND MY LIFE>>> HERE IS A BIG F U

I've been a bad bad girl....

 Normally if i said that then i would be half jokeing and in some sort of naughty mood.... mostly looking for a naughty little spank'n. But not this time... I cheated all weekend on being healthy... :( So i guess i will confess to you my naughty little sins they are as follows :

I went to t.g.i.Fridays and had chicken and shrimp smothered in... CHEESE (my nemesis) with a side of fat ass...other wise known as mashed potatoes.... then.... i drank a pink punk martini... if you didn't know already that comes with cotton candy. Then i drank all night while playing dirty word charades... which was hilarious... maybe i worked off all that unhealthy food by... laughing hysterically for hours.... :)
Then the next morning I went straight to the candy factory... and got exactly a half a pound of popcorn jelly beans...then a short trip to old navy followed by a fantasic dumb ass move of Wendy's and not only for lunch but for dinner as well... what the hell!!! AMI!!! what are you thinking???

So this morning i had egg whites with a side of guilt trip..... :(
Lunch i had a small turkey sandwich and a couple strawberries... I will right more about the emotional stuff later. I have shit to do... don't miss me toooo much ;) i will be back... and something really neat happened.... ;D

New type of wake up

I woke up this morning and I had a smile on my face. Not because some one put it there but because I actually feel happy... you might be thinking ok...whatever but i dont usually wake up like that i usually wake up dreading the day. I usually dont have enough energy to even get dressed til around noon or so...but today i got up and stretched my arms took a shower and got dressed.... I mean i feel really good!!! Really good...??? Normalcy??? is that the feeling hahaha. I dont have alot of plans today I need to finish up some laundry that has been accumulating and i need to finish up some dishes. I also want to stay active so i think i am going to go on another walk today! 

I dont know if it is because of the weather change or not but i opened up the windows and i am letting in the light. I also dont usually do that. I try to make it as dark as possible and i never!! Never open the windows... I have to go for a bit my battery is dying but i will be back :)

my first walk since the mirena is gone!!

I just got back from my first walk since the mirena is no longer inside me.....what a difference!! Before i could barely walk a mile with out my fingers swelling so bad and my back in horrific pain!!! But it was amazing to actually walk!!! It felt so good!! I am feeling so much better now!! I feel like me again!! I feel like i am alive!!! not just living....if that makes any sense at all...: / i feel healthy!!! I really really feel healthy!! and the weather was amazing!! the winter seemed soooooo long and finally to be in 70 degree weather makes me almost want to tear up!!! I am going to check the forecast i hope it stays like this a while... the kids really really needed to get out and have the fresh air!!! Atreyu found so many kids he could play with!! I don't know if you can tell but i am genuinely excited!!! and that  hasn't happened in..... FOREVER!!! :)

Showers Early	Partly Cloudy	Sunny	Showers	Showers
High: 67° Low: 42°	High: 53° Low: 34°	High: 50° Low: 36°	High: 48° Low: 44°	High: 61° Low: 44°

5 views....thats freaking awesome!!! thanks for stopping by!!!

Ok so it has been two days since the mirena was taken out....and wow i have noticed a huge difference in energy!!! It is so amazing!! Every day i clean but I never deep clean, well at least not as much as i have done today and it is only  12:30!!! I feel like I need to eat something and then I can get back at it. To help with my weight loss goal I went to the store today and bought a bunch of healthy food. It felt good to clean out the frig and replace it with nothing but healthy stuff! :) So my goal is to lose 5 lbs by next week on Thursday! Some of you may be thinking 5lbs that's not very much! but i feel like i should set realistic goals. I am going to eat healthy and work out  along with staying active i.e. cleaning and playing with the kids. With having people view my page and i want to update this daily. I also feel like i have incentive to keep it up. I am getting really neat messages from people and it really is helping me! so if you want to take this weight loss journey with me then lets do this.

Healthy food that i bought from the store:

1. grapes
2. bananas
3. peaches
4. carrots
5. salad
6. oranges
7. mushrooms
8. boneless skinless chicken
9. flavored water instead of soda
10. apples
11. melon and cantaloupe 

I know that its going to be a difficult journey because i dont really have much motivation but i know i can do it and with my views going up everyday it really makes me excited ;) Lets do this... ok well i am going to go make a fruit salad :)

Also every day i want to feature a FRIEND OF THE DAY. This would highlight important people in my life who have made an impact and my life and maybe even inspire you as they have me.:)

Todays FRIEND OF THE DAY: This friend is someone i have know almost my whole life!! I have known him almost 13 years!!! That is insane to think!! This friend knows me more then anyone in this world. I could say one sentence and he knows exactly what i mean and how i meant it usually. He remembers almost every fact about  me. He knows all my likes and dislikes. He knows how to cheer me up when i am down. He know just how to motivated me to do what is right. He is very driven and smart!! He is a real go getter. He is very hard on himself but only sees the positive in others and would give you the shirt off his back if he needed. He deals with way to much family drama!!!!! But he still amazes me on how no matter how upset he is he can always find the positive!! I will always be best friends with my *pen pal* :)  and i want to thank him for being such an amazing friend to me!!!

Thank you Z ;)

That's all for now but I am sure i will be popping in to leave little notes here and there:) and keep those messages coming! They mean the world to me

My Reply ;)

I am so glad you wrote me. I am so sorry you are having those symptoms. The reason i wrote that note is exactly that reason. I felt all alone. I felt like I was going crazy and i was imagining all these crazy feelings. I felt so emotional all the time..the slightest thing would make me cry. I am so glad that you wrote me. and it may sound weird but we are girls if we cant talk about this then who can.

2nd I may have a solution for your problem of not being able to afford the removal. (I do not have insurance and we just moved up here to merrillville so i didnt even have a doctor two days ago.) I called around to every gynecologist in merrillville, i even in fact read on the internet how to remove it yourself. I have that link and i will attach it at the bottom of this message in case you are interested. I was way to scared to try to remove it and because of you not feeling the strings i definitely think you should go in. I called around like i said getting " quoted" for this and it ranged from $130-$500. this really made me angry because i felt like this was a life or death situation. I ended up calling planned parenthood. I was really scared i mean i thought planned parenthood was for whores that had stds and what not but they took it out for $75. Even after i had tons of complications they were soooooo nice and it was really clean and nobody was even there!!! the lady who did i was nicer then any doctor i have ever had. If you want i can give you the info. and if you want a support i can go with you :) i know we dont talk very much you are still my friend and you can always count on me to be there for you no matter the situation.
3. even though it has only been two days I feel amazing with my energy!! I feel 200% better in that area!! and i didnt realize how much it was really draining me until after. the hormones are slowly coming out and i really feel like i am detoxing from some hard core drug. One second i am crying the next i am angry. but i am sure once i give it some time i will be back to normal. I know that i made the right decision. and if you need anything else just let me know. :) like i said i am always here for you!!!
Love ya :) Ami

oh ya the link http://www.curezone.org/forums/am.asp?i=876876

Thread: anyone take out their own IUD? at Mirena Side Effects Support (ThreadID: 876876)

www.curezone.org

i dont have insurance, i use planned parenthood. the nearest clinic is pretty far away. i want it out now!!!! my husband feels it during sex, i am always cramping after sex. just wondering about anyone elses experiences with self - removal. i was looking online at the mirena site for healthc

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My first Mirena letter :) EEEKKK so exciting!!

Ami...you're note about Mirena really hit home with me. I have been going back and forth with getting it removed. I have had the same exact symptoms...i have no energy, symptoms of being pregnant and not being pregnant, weight gain, not being able to control my emotions at all...i was to have it removed last year and was to almost have the surgery to get it taken out because the doctor couldn't get it out because the strings weren't were they supposed to be. i couldn't do it because i couldn't afford it. i regret that decision every day. i thought it would be great...no worry about the pill, no period (and all that came with it) and it was 99.9% effective and i couldn't afford another baby so it seemed like my best option...i know this sounds dumb, but thank you for writing that note. i am glad that i know someone who went through the same thing i currently am.

i am having weird cramps and pain (i usually don't and if i do they last a day or so and are not painful) and spotting. i'm sorry that i am divulging too much but i am worried that something might be wrong...it usually doesn't last this long and it's been constant so i don't know what to think. it could be nothing, but i don't know. i can't afford to get it taken out either because i want it out.

again, THANK you. i know that we haven't talked much in a while, but reading what you went through makes me feel like i wasn't alone. i am glad to see that you are recovering well and i'm sorry that you had to go through all of that. nobody should and doctors should warn their patients to stay away from mirena and look elsewhere. i'm praying for an even faster recovery for you.

Mirena or Death

If you are a guy you really don't want to read this... in fact you should just click that little back button up at the top. Quickly and if you do read this... don't say I didn't warn you!!!

      I usually don't write notes... but i need to vent a little ,and maybe educated some of my friends and family who may consider using the birth control Mirena... In December 2006 I went to the doctor to discuss my birth control options... well that was the day my doctor suggested that I use Mirena...Its a small plastic uterine device that is placed in you and it produces hormones to help you not get pregnant. I was excited because he told me that this birth control would last up to five years and at any time if i decided to become pregnant he could remove it and i would not have any problems with fertility. He also told me that this birth control is almost as effective as male/female sterilization. This peeked my interest because both of my children were conceived while i was on birth control. I jumped on this and said sign me up....what i should have said was, what are the side effects.... The side effects started off like no big deal... mild cramping here and there...weight gain...and i noticed that i didn't have quite the energy but i chalked that up to have a new baby and a toddler...and the years went on i notice more and more side effects... my hormones were crazy i was crying at every little thing... i was nauseous all the time...my hands would swell so much that i couldn't close my hand... these side effects would come and go but for the most part i always felt completely drained...and anyone who knew me before knows that i am a hyper person. I am always moving... doing something... while on mirena i had to force my self to get dressed in the morning ,and some days I just didn't. And while it was supposed to be " almost effective as male/female sterilization" it proved not to be. I had become pregnant on this birth control several times...while never resulting in a full term pregnancy. To me it was still traumatic and a  life was still lost.

        What the doctor didn't tell me was that some women bodies produce certain hormones on there own. Which can cause fertilization problems, but if you are taking hormones such as Mirena you will no longer produce those hormones and you will increase the likely hood of getting pregnant. It will also increase your likely hood of getting ovarian cyst. YAY!!!

          For the last year I just have been praying a lot and i just felt like the Lord was telling me that I needed to get off of this birth control and find a new method. Or no method at all... Earlier this week i had felt a lot of cramping and i could no longer find the strings to my iud. That same night I experienced a lot of heavy heavy bleeding...In the morning i made an appointment and went in...and all my suspicions were confirmed... my iud had migrated!! It moved and was trapped in another part of my body and it needed to be removed. The next day I went back and experienced one of the most painful thing in my life. Even though my insides were numbed it was horrific!! Basically I can now say I know what it feels like to have my insides ripped out!!!

           I am still in a lot of pain and it really hurts to sit up. I have pain in my back and I cant stop getting sick. I keep telling my self that this is a lot better then having it still inside me. And i know it will get better. I also know that other people are going through worse things then me at this time. So I will continue to pray and i know it will get better. :) I am also going to attach a link to a clip of what had to be removed , and how it was done.

           I want to end this saying if anyone ever considered getting mirena from my experience i would say no don't do it!! But that is just me... and the rest of the whacked hormones talking ;) Thank you for listening to me rant and vent!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6zIphqlVzU